Indiana Jones and the Bitter Realities of Aging

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

This was a parody, right? Not a sequel.

If you view it as a sequel, and not just that, but a sequel that was 19 years in the making, well, sorry, folks, but it sucks.

So view it as a parody.

This isn't a bad movie, honestly. If you were a fan of National Treasure, The Mummy movies, or Danger Island from the old Banana Splits show, you'll probably love watching this. It's a fun ride, and worth a couple of hours of your time.

But I'm sorry, this isn't just a movie. It's an Indiana Jones movie. This movie set its own bar too high.

Let me start off with my opinion of the Indiana Jones series as a whole. It was one phenomenal first movie, followed by number 2 rushed out to capitalize on the surprise success of the first, and the third vainly attempting to recapture the lost magic of the first.

Raiders of the Lost Ark wasn't just a good movie, it was Iconic. It was Epic. It stands out as one of maybe three or four movies from my youth that truly drove me to the theaters time and time again, driven by the hope that somehow, all the other pap I was sitting through could break through and match the wonder and amazement it opened up in my impressionable little head.

The shame of it all is that I don't think even Spielberg/Lucas realize what it was about "Raiders of the Lost Ark" that made it so damn good. It wasn't the car chases, or the cliffhanging sequences, or the cartoonish bad guys, or the seemingly invincible hero who got out of scrape after scrape more on his luck than his skill. Instead, it was the over-arching sense of Awe that served as the backdrop for the rest of those elements. And not just awe, but GOD-awe.

Throughout the first movie in the series, you had a sense that something greater than us all was at work. You felt like there was an underlying mystery of epic porportions beneath all of the action you witnessed on the screen. Indy's quest had a sense of importance; he didn't seem like some greedy treasure hunter, he seemed like God's unlikely last hope to save mankind from the evil of the Nazis. Even the music conveyed this feeling.

And along with that sense of Awe, there was suspense. Every so often, the action stopped, and you were allowed to just stand and behold something magical and wonderful, with that edge-of-your-seat feeling of "hurry up, Indy!" driving the adrenaline into your bloodstream. (The scene in the maproom comes to mind, or the ending sequence when the Ark was opened.)

By the second film, that magical sense of awe had been completely discarded. Indy was no longer a hero, but a curmudgeon who reluctantly gave in to moral turpitudes in the end, obviously begrudgingly. There were no more stand-and-behold moments. There was just car-chase-shoot-out-fight-scene-Indy-gets-the-girl. Even at age 12, I knew they had lost the magic.

Now here we are, 26 years after the first masterpiece, and I sit once again disappointed. And not just that the magic is gone, but that even the elements that should have been slam dunks were bungled and wasted. The witty banter was forced and uncomfortable to sit through. The scenes of Indy's school-teacher life lacked the warmth and comfort that always contrasted so brilliantly with the danger he later got himself into. The humor was predictable and bland. Even the chase scenes were dull and plodding. It's as if Spielberg has aged even worse than Indy himself. He used to know action like the back of his hand; now you stare disinterestedly at the action like a liver spot on the back of his hand.

And the reunion with Marion? Marion, the ultimate heroin? Marion, with her raspy voice and sexy-tomboyish charm? Marion, who had as much fight in her as any guy in the film? Marion, the heroin who you wanted to see in all of the sequels, instead of the dumb, whiney eye candy they replaced her with?

Yeah, she's a fat dumpy hausfrau now, and her character is entirely useless. She does nothing but ride along. There is no spark or chemistry between her and Indy whatsoever. She might as well have been a mannequin. Even the reunion you have waited 26 years to see was, in the end, a disappointment.

So like I said in the beginning, take this as a parody. If you go in expecting very little other than some goofball characters lampooning a decades-lost greatness, mixed in with some good flash-bang special effects, then you will be entertained. But if you're looking for Indiana Jones's last hurrah to go out with the luster that he came in with, you're only going to learn the sad reality that even the greatest among us just grow old and wither in the end.

I give it a 6 out of 10. That nuke blast was cool.

Speed Racer: Turbo-Charged Eye Candy!

I'm pretty sure I just had a coronary watching this movie, so let me try to calm down as I write this review.

Speed Racer looked like someone shot a bag full of skittle across the surface of a pinball machine with an airgun. If you have ever wondered if live-action anime' could possibly work, wonder no more. The Wachowski Borthers (remember The Matrix?) have proven that it can.

But it's a delicate dance, so before this launches a whole new live-action anime's genre, let me just tell the rest of the directors in Hollywood, "You won't be able to do it like they did, so please don't try."

I had wondered, before going in, why A-List actors like John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, and Christina Ricci were signed on to appear in a movie that seemed to be so visually-driven from the previews. I mean, you'd think they could have signed on anyone with a heartbeat out of any old Studio Cattle-Call and saved themselves a buck or two. But live-acting an anime' series, without making it look completely ridiculous, is probably one of the more difficult things an actor can pull off in their career, and they found the best cast they could have to do it.

Slap on top of that the best visual effects so far of the year, and you have a checkered flag for the weekend Box Office receipt race. (Hey, it's a racing movie review; as a reviewer I'm obligated to use predictable cliche's, ok?) Borrowing from Tron and improving upon it a hundredfold, it is without hesitation that I call this a "visual delight." The Wachowskis have discovered a whole new frontier in cinematography, one that I hope they contnue to explore.

A few other small things made this movie particularly enjoyable for me, on a personal level: the bad guys were easily identifiable by their bad teeth; they had a chimpanzee in people-clothes, and that's always been one of my favorite things to watch; and someone near the beginning of the movie said "Holy Canoli," and I always say "Holy Canoli."

I give Speed Racer a grade of 8 out of a possible 10; the only real flaw that keeps it from being perfect is in the nature of the film itself. As a racing film, and not just that but a speed racing film, there are two hours of speeding cars throughout the movie, from beginning to end. That unavoidably lessens the climatic effect of the final race, since you feel like you have been watching the climatic race for two hours by the time Speed Racer makes his final pass over the finish line. But if that's all I can find to complain about, then you know it's going to be one hell of a ride.

Enjoy!

Iron Man: The Greatest Movie... EVER MADE!

I kid you not... This was the greatest movie ever made.

It had explosions. It had guns. It had epic bad guys and smart-ass heroes. It had robotic fist-fighting and terrorists getting their come-uppance. It had battle-scarred titanium armor, super-models dancing in flight attendant outfits, and it even had JEFF BRIDGES- yes, the BIG LEBOWSKI HIMSELF!

The only thing that could have made it better would have been Gwyneth Paltrow in a slinky, backless evening gown-- WAIT!

IT HAD THAT TOO!

THIS is a masterpiece. THIS is why CGI was invented. THIS is why movies are made in the first place.

Ok, am I overstating it? Maybe a little bit, but I don't really think so. Because on top of all the guy-elements that I had expected from this Juggernaut of a comic-book movie, it had another rare treat that blind-sided me:

Robert Downey Jr.

Now listen, I am honestly not much of a comic book reader, and I have never been a huge Iron Man fan in any other incarnation of the character. So I didn't go into this with an proconception of what Tony Stark was supposed to be.

But I can tell you what he was, as portrayed by Robert Downey Jr: He was the greatest Ordinary Man-turned-Super Hero I have ever seen in a movie. He wasn't a dorky Peter Parker or a stiff Clark Kent. He was loose, he was quick-witted, he was human, and above all he was fun to watch OUT of the Iron Man suit, and THAT, my friend, was something I never expected from a movie like this.

I suppose I should give some sort of "plot" synopsis, right? So you know what you're going to see? Ok, here it is: Tony Stark makes a super-suit and becomes Iron Man. The rest of the details don't matter. Just enjoy the ride.

It without hesitation at all that I give this movie a ten out of ten. Yes. My highest rating possible! There might be better causes you can shuffle your nine dollars off to, but as of right now there isn't a better movie out that you can waste it on.

SUMMER!!

Oh hell yes, am I ever in a great mood. Not even the inch of snow on my front law could dampen my spirits this morning as I left my house and headed off to work just before the crack of dawn. (Yeah, snow on MAY 1st!)

What's got me in such a chipper disposition? SUMMER.

"HappyBack, you idiot," you say to me, "it's only May. Spring has barely sprung. Winter's deathgrip hasn't even loosened its hold on the valley yet. See all that snow? Summer isn't even close!"

First off, don't call me an idiot, or I'll have to bring the smack down on your ass.

Second, summer, my silly friends, isn't determined by the temperature outside, or the date on the calendar. In HappyBack's world, summer starts when the multi-million dollar blockbusters start hitting the theaters!

I'm both giddy with anticipation, and sick with apprehension, at this year's offerings. Two things are absolutely guaranteed to happen this year: I will be blown away and I will be sorely disappointed. But let's try to concentrate on the good rather than the impending fiascoes.

The entire season kicks off tomorrow with Iron Man. I already don't care that the plot will assuredly be weak and the storyline ridiculous, nor that the acting will be horrible. It will have loud noises, fight scenes, and it will blow crap up, and those are the three elements that make for a good movie. I am already close to declaring Iron Man the Greatest Movie Ever Made, just off the previews alone.

As the summer progresses, a handful of guaranteed delights also awaits:
Prince Caspian (May 16)
The Happening
The Incredible Hulk (both June 13)
Get Smart (June 20)
Wall-E (June 27)
Hancock (July 2)
The Dark Knight (July 18)

and to cap it all off, possibly the greatest film to be released all summer:

Hellboy 2 (July 11), which will wrest the title of Greatest Movie Ever Made away from Iron Man, just 2 months into its reign.

Now as with any good thing, the bad will have to be tolerated along with it. For example, you may have noticed one glaring omission from my list of Summer Blockbusters. Yes, folks, I hate to say it, but I am fully expecting the new Indiana Jones installment to be one of the worst disappointments of my life, ranking somewhere between finding out that Santa wasn't real, and seeing Grissom from C.S.I. peeing in a Las Vegas Men's Room.

Frankly, I never much cared for the 2nd or 3rd Indiana Jones movies, so I'm expecting this one to suck like a Hoover vacuum, too. But I'm sure to pay my $9 to see it suck for myself.

So just to prepare you folks, here's a list of movies to avoid this summer:

What Happens In Vegas (May 9)
Sex and the City: The Movie (May 30)
Kung Fu Panda (June 6)
The Love Guru (June 20)
Meet Dave (July 11)
Mamma Mia! (July 18)

and to cap off the summer's suckiness with a bang,

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (August 8)

I kid you not.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants....... 2

Hey, it can't ALL be good, right?

Along with the good and the bad, there are a few coming out that the jury is still out on, like You Don't Mess With The Zohan, and Step Brothers. We'll just have to wait and see what those will end up looking like.

So that's it, people. I know I haven't added much to my film review blog lately, but be prepared for a flurry of activity there this summer. Next to Oscar Season, this is my favorite time of year!

No Country For Old Men: No Stomach For Subtlety

Got a strong stomach for violence? If so, you will thoroughly enjoy this joyride. If not, you won't make it past the first minute and a half.

This is the first movie I have ever simulataneously loved and hated with equal fervor. Loved for it's phenomenal acting, tight pacing, and edge-of-your seat action and suspense. Hated for the way it seemed, in the end, to have dragged me all over for creation for no reason, with the most unsatisfying ending conceivable.

The plot is simple enough: a simple Texas welder finds a drug deal gone bad and a satchel full of money while out hunting on the prairie one morning. This is a movie, of course, and in movieland, no satchel of money ever comes without an accompanying bloodthirsty hit man, and justice-seeking lawman.

I have a short list of "favorite movie bad guys"- Bill "the Butcher" Cutting from "Gangs of New York", for example, or the bad guy to end all bad guys, Darth Vader. But Javier Bardem's Anton Chigurh is really giving everyone on my list a run for their money. This guy was just cold and scary. He's even chilling while choking on a peanut in one scene. His performance alone made the movie worth sitting through.

Equally as satisfying were the other two main characters, played by Josh Brolin (the guy who finds the satchel) and Tommy Lee Jones (the sheriff who tries to make everything right.) Brolin's character might be an average Joe who stumbled onto some cash, but he's no fool, and his tough-as-nails character is the perfect savvy mouse to Bardem's ruthless, relentless cat. And Tommy Lee's Jones' portrayal of a tired old sheriff who really didn't need to have THIS little problem dropped on his doorstep at the sunset of his career is spot-on. And I also have to mention Kelly MacDonald's portrayal of Brolin's hick wife, whose performance is merely adequate, until you realize that MacDonald is Scottish; her west Texas accent is perfect!

Now as I said, I simultaneously love and hate this movie. And without spoiling the ending for you, let me just make a general statement about it: It sucks. From what I have heard, it's true to the book on which the movie is based. Whoop-de-freaking-doo. I echo the sentiments of a fellow movie-goer, who, in the moment of bewildered silence that immediately followed the start of the closing credits, incredulously excalaimed, "Oh, you've got to be freaking kidding me!"

So in the end, I can't give this movie more than an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Believe me, I really wish I could give it a ten, but I have to rate the whole thing, and I can't ignore that feeling of unsatisfied anger I had when I threw out my empty popcorn tub and left the cinema. So there you go; if you're not big on satisfying endings, and you can handle buckets-o'-blood, then this is the movie for you.

Juno: Over-Cool. But Over-Cool is Still Cool.

Juno is too cool for its own good, but don't take that as a criticism; Rather, take it a a necessary warning that will allow you to enjoy it anyway.

I saw an interview with Juno's screenwriter (Diablo Cody) and director (Jason Reitman) a while back. These were two cool cats.

She was particularly cool; all inked up, dressed in an outfit that screamed SECONDHAND STORE at the top of its lungs. I was already on guard against "over-cool" before going into this movie, so it's pretentiousness didn't belly-punch me as hard as it otherwise would have. But it still gave my tensed-up gut a good wallop.

The first "over-cool" was the soundtrack. My ears are still angry with me. Honestly, I know I already used the word "pretentious" in this review, but I can't think of another word to describe it, and I don't have enough time to go to thesaurus.com right now, cause I have a New Year's Eve party to go to. Nobody listens to this crap unless they want everyone overhearing them listening to it to think they're- well, cool. It was distractingly bad. But it DID effectively set the mood, which was borderline-playful, borderline-serious.

Complaint Number 2: the dialogue.

Some movies have cool dialogue, and they let you just sit back and notice it. This one was so overboard with it that you barely had time to notice anything else! Which is too bad, because there was a lot else to be appreciated in this smartly-written movie. Such as the phenomenal acting. Or the simple humanism displayed in the protrayal of everyone involved in this difficult teen-pregnancy situation.

The dialogue was brilliant and smart and hip, and WAY over the top in it's brilliant, smart hip-ness. It felt like the writer had a notebook of cool phrases and words she had compiled while eavesdropping on modern-day teenagers, and then constructed the screenplay around that.

But so what? It was entertaining to take in, and I'm way past the days when I go to the movies for realism.

Now when you watch a movie like this, to enjoy it, you have to check your politics at the door. Because whether you're pro-life or pro-choice, you're going to have your viewpoint get a little made-fun-of at some stage in the game. (Like the lone abortion protestor outside the clinic, chanting "All babies want to be borned"; countered moments later by the dirtbag attendant inside the clinic who deadpans the praises of flavored condoms to our teen protagonist.)

But when you're writing a "cool" movie, it's not cool to take a stand, even when your main character, by necessity, does just that. Some might call this a little cowardly; I might be inclined to agree. But this movie wants your money, not your vote. Maximum profits mean you have to appeal to both sides of the underlying issue.

As far as the acting goes, if you're looking for Oscar contenders, take your pick. My personal favorites were J.K. Simmons as Juno's Dad, Jason Bateman as the reluctant prospective adoptive father of her baby, and Allison Janney as her stepmother, who loves the teen she bickers with day in and day out. And Juno herself (Ellen Page), of course, carries the movie even better than she carries around her prosthetic gut.

I guess the bottom-line reason I liked this movie so much was because, despite the ridiculous vernacular used, the exchanges here were heartwarming and tender and realistic. This isn't YOUR family you're watching, this is the family that produced the odd-ball Juno, and I was convinced that they were real. They never condoned her pregnancy, but they never disowned their daughter, and they acted exactly like what I would have expected that family to act like. It was fun to watch, I never once felt preached to (which is especially commendable for a movie with a theme like this one), and I was able to sit back and watch realistic people cope with a tough situation, resulting from what they admitted were unwise choices.

I give Juno a 7 out 0f 10, and if Diablo Cody will change her name back to whatever her mother named her and write me a movie with maybe half the clever slang in it next time, she might just earn a 9. Honestly, ma'am, you had 3 movies worth of "cool" in that little notebook of yours, why did you go and waste it all on one single screenplay?

I Am Legend: I Am Satisfied.

Are you in the mood for a thinking-man's movie, stacked with twists and turns and subplots and a surprise ending that blows you out of your seat?

You are?

Oh. Sorry, I can't think of anything to recommend to you this year.

But if you'd be satisfied with an adequate sci-fi thriller, heavy on special effects and action, and light-to-medium on thought and plot, then give "I Am Legend" your hard-earned nine dollars.

There have been quite a few movies this year that have left me feeling incomplete. "August Rush" felt like it ended about ten seconds to soon. "No Country For Old Men" seemed to waste its phenomenal acting and directing on a story that dragged me around rudely for two hours, only to dump me off a couple of blocks from where I started, but in a bad part of town.

I'm sorry, but that annoys me. Don't lure me into the theater unless you intend to tell me a story. And don't start telling me a story unless you have every intention to finish what you started.

You won't have that problem with this movie.

Will Smith stars as the Last Man on Earth, in a New York City overrun with the zombie-esque victims of a human-made supervirus. We follow him over the course of a couple of days, watching his lonely daily routine broken up by conversations with mannequins and his dog, violent run-ins with zombies, and medical research in his basement to find a cure for the super-virus. (Lucky for humankind, the last normal human alive is also a genius virologist. What are the chances, right?)

The plot is a simple-minded, point A to point B to point C kind of story. But they have fights with zombies and they blow up a lot of crap, so that makes up for what it lacks in smarts.

And it's not like the movie is completely devoid of intelligence. If you want something deeper than simple action out of your movie, it delivers on that level too. There's a classic Good-Vs.-Evil message here spelled out in the form of "Light dispells the evil-doers" and a Bob Marley soundtrack. (You'll find it, don't worry, it's not buried that deep.)

Bottom line, I Am Legend satisfies. It doesn't amaze or dazzle, and it isn't that deep-in-your-soul kind of satisfaction, but it delivers the 2 hours of entertainment you were looking for, without leaving you feeling like you got three-quarters of a good story followed immediately by the closing credits.

I give it a 7 out of 10. Maybe it only deserves a 6, but I like it when they blow crap up.