Monday, March 9, 2009
The Watchmen: Don't Watch, Man...
Ever since I saw the first preview in the theater about three months ago, I have been touting "The Watchmen" as the first must-see film of 2009.
I left out the word "not". As in, "must NOT see."
You see that blue guy over there to the left?
Well, get ready to see his glowing blue penis, over and over and over throughout the film.
Wait, did you just say--
Yes, get ready to see a Superhero's Super Atomic Johnson dangling in your face for 2 hours and 45 minutes.
I don't care how much time and effort and money went into this film. I don't care one bit how true it stayed to the graphic novel it was based on. I don't care about the carefully choreographed fight scenes and the spectacular visual effects. Seriously; those elements alone usually have me declaring any movie "The Best Movie EVER MADE!"
As soon as you put a glowing blue shlong in my face, your film loses all appeal.
Do it more than once, and all I can think to myself is, "Is this director retarded?"
Call it "art." Call it "important to the plot and storyline." Call ME a "homophobe." As soon as you paint a donk blue and make it glow like a rave toy, you have rendered your film absolutely ridiculous.
Show that glowing blue lightstick more than once, and you have lost every last shred of credibility.
Show it over and over and over for damn near three hours, and you hopefully lose your movie-making license for life.
I give "The Watchmen" a zero on a scale of one to ten. Next time, think of the MOVIE GOER when you spend $125 million dollars of Paramount's hard-earned cash, you idiot, not of your own nuclear-homo-erotic fantasies.
Posted by Steven Rosbach at 10:34 PM